December 17, 2008
Weight 12/15/08: 359.75
Weight 12/16/08: 357.5
Weight 12/17/08: 355
WOOT!
I’m just thrilled! I would like to be 345, so lose 10 more by the New Year. I could lose more, but I know I will indulge a little on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

GOALS:
TODAY: NO sodas today
THIS WEEK: Weigh 350 by Monday morning J
THIS MONTH: Weigh 345 by NEW YEARS! (and hopefully fit in my jeans!!!)

LONG TERM: Weigh 300 by April 1st
But I’m going to just take it one step at a time!

I’m on the RADIO???!!!!

LISTEN TO ME ON THE RADIO:
GO TO:
http://x96.com/music/podcast/rfh/ or www.x96.com and click on PODCASTS link
1. METHOD ONE-Click on HERE link under itunes logo (View details about podcast) and then select the following shows (times are listed)
· December 8, 2008 Show-Time = 1:39:22 (one hour, 39 min, 22 sec) (they read 1st email)
· December 10, 2008 Show-Time = 2:09:51 (2nd email read)
· December 11, 2008 Show-Time = 46-47:17 (me calling in)
· December 12, 2008-Time = 28:40-40:30 (me in the studio being “kept” or dumped”)
2. METHOD TWO-click on Here link (3rd one down-headphones icon) to listen WITHOUT itunes). Days & times of shows:
· December 8, 2008 Show-Time =99:29-100:5 (they read my email)
· December 10, 2008 Show-Time = 130:4-133:1 (they read my 2nd email)
· December 11, 2008 Show-Time = 46-47:17 (I call in)
· December 12, 2008 Show-Time 28:48-40:26 (me in the studio-funny)

MY EXPERIENCE:
DAY ONE:
So I sent an email last week to Richie, the producer of X-96. They are looking for people to come help with the show-interns what have you. I thought this might be fun and have always loved radio, so I sent the email and told my boyfriend Adam about it.
So last week, he IM’s me exclaiming “Hon, they are reading your email on the radio”. I thought he was joking and laughed, and then he started typing my exact email:
Hi Richie!
My name is Holly McAffee and I would be thrilled to be a part-time intern! I love your show, thanks for letting me listen!
About me:
I’m energetic and really fun! I’m a cute chubby girl, even though Bill says you can’t be cute if you are chubby lol. I am a people person, love to give talks etc.
I’m assuming you need interns in the morning. I could from 5 AM to 8:30 AM, or anything from 6 PM to Midnight.
I have ALWAYS been interested in radio. I have attached my resume.
I was so embarrassed. I listened and was dying laughing! I meant to say I like to talk! Not give talks. So they were teasing me about that. And then they claimed Bill NEVER said I couldn’t be chubby.
Richie emailed me back and said they wanted me to come give them a talk!
I emailed Richie back as follows:
Dearest Richie,
Thank you so kindly for emailing me back. So I just heard the program from yesterday as I am computer ‘savvy’ enough to listen to the podcasts……….(and trust me, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying from embarrassment)
So which “Talk” would you like:
-The “honey we have to talk” talk
-The “when we are in public don’t call me mother. Call me Jill.” Talk
-The talk your son gives you about how he likes boys
-The “sex” talk
LOL I can give you any talk you like! For the record, I actually meant that I like to talk!!!!
On a serious note, would you like a presentation or really a talk? How about Thursday or Friday morning? Can you give me the address and time that works for you!
PS. Bill DID say I couldn’t be cute one day off the air when I called in once. But I am more than chubby-I’m more like morbidly obese, but who wants to describe themselves as such?
This video (if he actually watched it at the time) may refresh his memory:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ounQqzjmxpY

DAY TWO:
So on December 10th, they read my second email on the air and Bill remembers who I am and says I am cute though I’m chubby lol
DAY THREE:
On the 11th I call in and am on the air and we set up for me to come the next day to be on the radio and give my list of things that must go (pet peeves)
DAY FOUR:
So last Friday I was on the radio! Went it and met the Radio from Hell DJ’s and was on the show. It was so much fun! Too hilarious to even describe. You must listen to the podcast.

CURRENTLY:

I made them some homemade ornaments that I'm going to take in tomorrow or the next day.

Laugh all day!!!!

Bizarre Sense of Humor……….

Do you find yourself laughing at things that aren’t supposed to be funny? Do you ever make jokes that no one gets but you? Welcome to my world!!!!! Thank heaven I found a man who is just as silly as I am!
I think I’ve had this “oddity” since I was a child. I remember my mother being furious at the airport when I told security that yes, lots of strange men had indeed asked me to carry things for them. I was so young and though it was such a strange question that security MUST be joking. My mother didn’t find it so funny.
Other things that have made or make me laugh: (some I’m ashamed to admit, others just REALLY are funny)
• When ice-skaters fall. (Oh come on, there is a part of you that finds it funny)

• My step mother’s version of the “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire” song (It goes-“Chipmunks roasting on an open fire, jack frost ripping off his clothes…………..Merry Christmas you jerk)


• When we got life insurance offer for my mom a week after she died. (In hindsight, we should have applied!)

• The time my best friend from high school and I went to visit my uncle in Cali and at the grocery store when asked if he wanted paper or plastic he replied “I don’t care. I’m bisexual”


• Random movie quotes: “Sometimes I bleed”; “Charlie belch, it’s the only way”; “You have the handwriting of a serial killer.” Or the movie “40 Year Old Virgin”. I can’t stop laughing the entire time even though I should probably be repulsed.

• My coworkers were talking about their mothers and since mine died years ago, I didn’t have much to contribute…….they went on about how their mom’s looked etc. They were saying how tall their mothers were……One said “my mom is 5’6” and the other replied “My mother is 5’9” and I stated “My mother is six feet under”.

• The time at Dans when I put ketchup, mustard, and napkins to go with my corn dog in a bag and the checker looked at it confused and I told her it was just condiments. She said “Oh hon, you don’t have to be embarrassed”

• The time when I worked at Harmon’s and walked out without paying for my drink accidentally….

• The time I had prepared so painstakingly for a monologue to try out for the school play and when I saw everyone from the stage, I ran off crying.

• The time in grade school when I went home just sobbing to my mom saying “Mom, this boy kicked me in the nuts.”

• The time my father stuck a tampon in his nose disgustingly and got a bloody nose.

• My favorite journal entry: I wrote the entire way driving to and from California from Utah, stating the time I would begin to write and end to write (which was like every 3 minutes). I wrote what everyone wore, what they were saying. Every stop, every argument. Sometimes I drew the signs or scenes I was passing. One was particularly funny………I was complaining how my mom had to pee again. Then I wrote how my sister Jen was telling my mother that I was writing down everything in my journal. My mother said (which I wrote in my journal of course)….don’t worry Jen, no one will read her stupid journal anyway. Ha ha ha

WHAT ABOUT YOU? What funny memories do you have or what makes YOU laugh?

Making it a Holly Jolly Christmas!!!!

A friend recently asked me if I was happy, and it led me to much pondering. I really AM happy! Lol. I am so happy, so much happier than I have been in a long time, but isn’t it funny how we over-dramatize and put undue stress on ourselves for really no good reason at all?
Here I’ve been stressing about a Christmas project. I wanted to make some videos for my family. There were going to be two videos. I bought some nice software and began the process of putting all the video footage in my computer and scanning all of my pictures.

I had NO idea how much time this process would take. I had the week of thanksgiving off, and I literally lived in the office that week and have spent hours in there. I have most of the footage in there now, but I’m still scanning pictures. Then I have to learn the software, and I want to take some time to make it special. Anyway I was totally stressing and just in tears that it wouldn’t be done for Christmas. For example, we have 4 parties this week-work and family. But what a silly thing!!!! Is it really that important that it be done by Christmas?

It made me think of the weight issue, and that has really stressed me out as well. I just keep thinking how much we want to get married, and how I keep going up and down with the weight, and how my heart is set on being at a better size. I don’t want to have my bridal dress “special made”, and I don’t want to have to use a tent to make it lol. No but seriously, just want to have lost like 100 from this weight. I could live with being like 250. I went up a little at thanksgiving. And I guess I was so let-down by the meds. Couldn’t handle being dizzy and nauseated all the time. Then on the new pill, I keep forgetting to take it! Also been stressing about money because I don’t have anyone to help me with the wedding and I’m in debt to my eyeballs, so we are looking at 2 years from now.

But again, I had to stop and really think about it. We have such a tendency to see the negative. But really, what an opportunity! I can do this. I started weighing every day, and it makes me more conscious of what I’m eating. I lost 1 ½ pounds from yesterday and that is exciting. Yesterday we did 40 minutes cardio and then 2 weight lifting workouts. I just need to eat good and exercise. Its not rocket science. And I will set the alarms on my phone so that I remember to eat my snacks and take my pills 30 minutes before I eat lunch and dinner. I want to be healthier and feel good about myself.

And I am such a lucky girl. Adam loves me for who I am. He doesn’t pressure me at all. He really helps me, because he loves me and he knows I would be happier being healthy. But I love that he sees who I really am and loves me for me. That means the world to me. He is so supportive and so understanding. And he is a great example to me. For example, he is supposed to do push-ups every day and was going to do them at night, but he kept missing it. So what he does now is does them at work under his desk. So in other words, if something isn’t quite working, tweak it and make it work….on that note, I just set my alarm for snack, for 30 minutes prior to lunch, and for lunchtime.

So much to look forward to! Getting my success and being healthier! Getting married to the man I love, and having babies one day!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Monday, November 17, 2008

Week 4 Results
Original Weight: 368
Week one: 349
Week two: 351
Week three: 353.5
Week four: 349!

Wahoo! FINALLY! I have to admit I was getting frustrated! This week I really focused on not weighing myself and I think that was a big key. I also did better at exercising than before and upped the protein intake!

GOALS:
1. Be at 345 by next Monday.
2. Keep the protein uptake up.
3. Never forget to take the pills even once this week.
4. Keep drinking tons of water.
5. Exercise 4-5 times this week

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

MORNING MOTIVATION:
Tummy has felt good all day! Almost partook in office chocolate, but reminded myself I wasn’t hungry and really didn’t need it.

FOOD:
B: oatmeal, 3 eggs, protein shake
Snack: soy nuts
L: pork salad
Snack: orange
D: chicken, mixed veggies
Snack: 100 cal fudgecicle

WORKOUT:
None today

RECAP:
I’m doing really good. It was a great day. I think that is the key. It actually isn’t that hard. Don’t think about it too much. Just eat less and move more. And keep on keeping on. (Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming) Nobody every died eating too healthy.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

MORNING MOTIVATION:
I can do it!!!! I need to think of my future babies and how I want to ride a bike with them and take them to Disneyland!!!

FOOD:
B: oatmeal, 4 eggs (2 whole, 2 egg whites)
Snack: orange, protein snack
L: tuna salad
Snack: orange, soy nuts (They are actually quite good-smoky bbq flavor)
D: chicken, mixed veggies
Snack: 100 cal fudgecicle

WORKOUT:
45 Min elliptical J

RECAP:
This morning had a little nausea, wondered if it was because I didn’t have my protein shake. It seems like every time I don’t have it, I don’t feel so well. Very strange. But perhaps I still have the bug a little.
In the afternoon before lunch started feeling sick again. Rah, I wish this bug would just go away. Not entirely convinced either way if it’s the pill or a bug. I would think if it were the pills I would’ve noticed sooner.
I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF! So I just got back from the gym. And I have to say I’m really proud of myself. Yeah, big deal you went to the gym. I’ve gone to the gym hundreds of times. But today I didn’t go because I thought I should or because I didn’t want to disappoint Adam, but because I WANTED to.
I walk in and see Heather training Adam. I’m just so proud of him. I can’t be jealous. I simply can’t. He has applied himself and has never given up. I was just so proud of him! He has so earned it and deserves this. He has lost 60 pounds! He is under 200 pounds and so close to his ideal weight. That is just amazing. I admit in the past I’ve thought its just easier for him and he had less to lose. Excuse after excuse. I compared myself and would get discouraged. I feel like all of that is gone and I’m just happy for him and I’m willing to be as dedicated as him and no more making excuses. No more setbacks! If I make a mistake, I’m getting right back on. If I don’t work out one day, fine, but I go right back. No more doing bad for a whole weekend or a whole week. That is behind me now.
And then after 10 minutes on the elliptical I felt really nauseated-this bug or whatever it is. So I went slow at it, but I was determined to keep at it, and I’m so proud that I did. You know, it isn’t easy being this big. Being over 300 sucks. Its not easy going to the gym, hell its not easy just walking! Going to the gym can be challenging. You feel like a spectacle. Sometimes I felt like I got enough cardio just walking up to the stairs to the cardio room lol. Its hard to see the skinny girls half-naked giggling with “Juicy” written on their ass! But you know what? Who do I have to blame for it? Yes, I haven’t had an easy life. My family has definitely gone through huge obstacles! But yet, I feel like I can’t complain. When I see people at work eating their hamburgers every day and start to feel jealous, I think to myself “Girl, you’ve had your share of fries and hamburgers.” I get a weekly cheat, I’m not deprived. And also, when I complain that its hard to exercise, hard to move, etc. Well like my Grandma used to say “YOU ate it!” So I can’t complain! No one to blame but myself! If I hadn’t of let it get so bad, I wouldn’t have to go through this.
But its not about blame! Its about learning from your mistakes! Its okay. I’m not mad at myself. I don’t hate myself or anything. I forgive me. I’m proud of who I am and I’ve been through a lot.
Tonight I was reminded of my strength. The Biggest Loser was on. Now this was my favorite show ever. My sister and I tried to be on that show. In fact, we turned in a video audition and everything. We were picked by some recruiters as a favorite and made it through to what you could say are the ‘semi finals’ as to who would be going to the final selection as to who would be on the show. It was a very emotional experience for us. I was so heartbroken when we weren’t chosen. And to be honest, I haven’t been able to watch a full episode of the Biggest Loser this season because of that experience.
But at the gym I watched it and I had to stop my tears from just flowing, seeing these people take control of their lives. Yeah, you could say they have all this help, and they do, BUT that doesn’t mean its easy. ITS SO HARD. I just felt so proud of them for making such a change. And it made me think how powerful a person I am. What strength I have inside me. And I know I can do it. I have all the support in the world. I have the tools. So its wonderful. I know I can do this. Its my life. I’m going to take control and start living it.
Its going to be hard not to weigh myself. But I need to not worry about that. The point is that you eat right and exercise so that you can lead a good life and take care of your body so that you can feel good. You follow that and the weight will come.

Monday, November 10, 2008

MORNING MOTIVATION:

PROTEIN!!!! Well I’m focusing more on the rules this week. There are things I’ve done great such as drinking tons of water! (Seriously, feels like I drink a lake every day and subsequently frequent the bathroom on a regular basis). My snacking has calmed down. I think if I exercise this week, always take my pills at the right time, and up the protein I will find success!

FOOD:
B: yogurt, banana, protein shake
Snack: banana
L: tuna salad
Snack: apple, soy nuts (They are actually quite good-smoky bbq flavor)
D: chicken, brown rice, carrots, cupcake

RECAP:
I did really good today. The cupcake was actually Weight Watchers so I’m not worried about that. Water consumption was great-no Diet Coke today and I upped the protein quite a bit. I think this will really work for me this week. Also, Adam is insisting I not weigh myself as he thinks he discourages me so I actually am going to make myself wait until Monday when I get weighed in and get my weekly booty shot. It’s going to be really hard to wait! I usually like to get an idea of where I’m doing in the middle of the week and then a couple of days before I weigh in. I can get over it I guess lol.

I’m so proud of Adam. He is amazing. Such a good example to me. He is so strict. Every once in a while, like our weekly cheat he will indulge a little, but during the week he is just so great. And working out, he is so gung ho about it. I mean the days he has his trainer obviously he must go, but the other days its just something he does! Instead of me complaining lately. I’m going through a weird phase.

Truthfully exercise is usually not hard for me really. Lately though I’ve just been a slacker. I’ve been wanting to play on the computer (like myspace, Wow, or facebook lol) instead of working out, so he kinda has to drag my big booty there. Poor guy. J I just love him so much. Thankfully I’m good to my sweetie.

I think sleep needs to be a better priority. Last night we were going to the gym, but as a first Adam didn’t want to go, which never happens. But it doesn’t matter, he still goes 5 times a week, so it just means we will go a different day. We had been at his family’s family night. Which btw was a blast. His mom is wonderful. She loves making dinner for us all, and we switch turns to be in charge of the game etc. So last night we played ‘In the Manner of the Adverb’. I can’t even remember where I got this game as it was so many years ago. It’s a group game and one person goes out and the group picks an adverb, like romantically, or something like that. Then the person comes back in and has everyone do something in the manner of the adverb. Now I’ve played this game with many different groups of people, but I have never had so much fun as with Adam’s family. OMG they are hilarious. Drama queens all of them. Our favorite is always watching Adam. He may be shy, but for this game he is just hilarious and really hams it up. Joey (his brother) was killing me last night. One thing he did was so disgustingly funny. So the word was disgustingly actually and he was asked to dance. So he gets up and does this dance, but when he turns around, he was totally showing plumber crack. OMG we were just all in tears it was so gross. I just love Adam’s family. They are so fun. I fit right in with them. I am a lucky gal!

But anyway, we get home about 9:30ish and we decide we can still play wow. And seriously what feels like 5 minutes later and its 12:30. Yikes! So yeah, not getting the sleep I need and I need to make that a better priority.

My stomach has felt better today for the most part, at night I did feel a little nauseated for a bit.

Week 3 Results

Original Weight: 368
Week one: 349
Week two: 351
Week three: 353.5

YIKES!!!!! What is happening??

Well its not time to panic or get depressed. After all I have still lost quite a bit of weight on this medication. So its time for reflection. I need to figure out what needs improvement. Here are a few ideas:

1. Need to hit the gym MORE!
2. Need to be better about the 3/1 ration of meat to everything else. I think I haven't quite eaten protein.
3. Need to be diligent about eating snacks and taking pills all on time.

Why is the Rum gone? Halloween madness

Okay so I know this blog is about my phentrimine experience (which by the way, I keep thinking I'm spelling that word wrong and different every time lol) but I do have a life (well kinda) outside of the diet. Actually thats kind of a lie, because my boyfriend got me addicted to WoW (yes I'm one of THOSE nerds now)....so no, I have no life now! Do you not know what WoW is? View the following link that SouthPark did on it and you will get an idea:

http://videoutopia.smartvideochannel.com/media/playvideo.aspx?f=flash7&cid=28D323DD11C14FDB9BDCF21BC876A1F1&v=mostviewed

It is really fun but way addicting that game. But anyway I wanted to talk about Halloween!!!! Since it is my favorite holiday in the world!!!! And I just found out that my best friend in high school plays so I'm stoked about that! (Yeah, I'm not the ONLY nerd lol)

Halloween:1. WORK: We were able to decorate our desks this year and had a contest. I came in second place sadly! I actually had a LOT of fun decorating. I had kind of a skull theme going on everywhere in Paul's and my office. I made these spiders and I made shrunken heads out of apples. So cool! I'll have to post a pic. Anyway it was a riot. But I was pretty mad because they were doing this HUGE halloween thing but on THURSDAY even though Halloween was on Friday. So lame! Thursday is my day off so I was pretty bummed to miss all the kiddies etc.

2. FAMILY PARTY: Ok so we went to my family party. Adam always has such a hard time with it. And he adores my family and they love him. But he is more the type that likes to go for an hour and then be done, and my family parties are always hours long. Its just what we do because we don't meet often. So he is tortured. I think its good for him though.

But this year's halloween party was so fun. Deb and I were in charge this time. We did our basic chilli and some desserts. Poor Hailey, my niece, broke her collarbone right before the party, they were still able to come but poor thing couldn't wear her princess outfit.

Of course we had the place all decorated and had the punch bowl with hand ice so it looks like a hand in blood. It was pretty fun. Then Deb and I had this whole carnival planned. We started with a mad lib that I had written that just had us in tears (I'll have to dig it out and post it as its really pretty cute, even though only my family would get why its so funny) Then we started with the games. We had some for everyone: bingo, a guess how many game, costume contest. Kids games like pin the tail on the witch etc and adult games-Halloween word game, tray guessing game, and halloween trivia game. And of course we had our Q-tip game (you try to throw q-tips in a cup which is harder than it sounds). The prizes went over really well. Man I love halloween!

3-Adam's family Halloween party-Ok this is the killer. So funny. So Adam hasn't drunk in quite a while and I was teasing that we haven't even drunk together really. Neither of us are much of a drinker. I had a margarita with his parents once, but thats it. So we were offered some really good wine and each had a glass. His family was so excited that he came to the party (It was Aunt Cathi-his aunt who set us up that had the party at her house and did a WONDERFUL job). I'm so lucky! I adore all of his family. They tease Adam that if he ever breaks up with me that they will keep me and ditch him. They love how they see Adam more now that I'm in the picture. They always do a family night on Mondays, but other parties he wouldn't always go to, and if he did he would bring a laptop. So anyway all the men were drinking in the back and Adam and I were dressed up. He was a pirate and I was his wench (see pic). So anyway they decided that since he was dressed as a pirate he may as well drink. So I became the desiganted driver and just had the wine and a couple sips of what he had.

And so the drama began. A neighboor had brought this blood red vodka. So the problem was that Adam thought it was a mixed drink. IT WASN'T! So he had 2 full drinks which was the same as about 5-6 shots, not to mention the rum and coke he had (on top of the wine he started off with)......I dont have much experience but apparently not only did he have too much, but you aren't supposed to MIX different types of drinks or you will get sick as well. EEEK.

Also, he has lost 60 pounds since the last time he drank so he is kind of a lightweight now anyway.....so we head off to his Grandma's. It hadn't really hit him yet. He just seemed kinda giddy. Sure enough, as soon as we get inside at his grandma's it hits him! Let's just say we were in and out of there real quick! So here I am with this drunken pirate of a boyfriend with his MOM there too and Im thinking "Oh man, they aren't gonna let us get married now cuz I got him drunk!"

On the way home he called nearly all of his friends, apparently he is really into drunken calling. I was laughing so hard I could hardly drive myself. He kept telling everyone how much he loved them. My favorite is when he told his brother Nicky "We just went to Grandma's house and I don't even remember going there". Oh man it was so funny.

But then, it became a lesson of why its bad to drink so much. Personally I think moderation in all things and that a social drink here or there is not harmful. But yikes, when you drink too much you can realy get sick and some get alcohol poisening so its kind of no laughing matter (although I admit I mostly laughed that night).....so I practically have to carry him inside and before I could run and get a bucket ...well you can guess what happened. Yeah in my favorite pair of shoes and then all over the toilet and walls. ICK. He felt so so bad. He kept saying he would clean it etc etc. Hello! He couldn't even stand! And I felt pretty responsible too so I couldn't complain as I should've done a better job preventing it.

But anyway part of it was kinda sweet (well you know not the cleaning up ickiness part). He kept asking me if we had kids and now I realize I really missed an opportunity to mess with him. He kept telling me how much he loves me and how he hopes I marry him.............you know drunk people tell no lies so that made me smile.

Anyway point is, don't drink too much!!!!

Week 2, Day 4 - Praying to the Porcelain God

Week 2, Day 4
Thursday, November 6

FOOD:
B: oatmeal, cottage cheese
Snack: cereal bowl
L: nothing
Snack: protein bar
D: oatmeal

EXERCISE:
None Today. I was so sick!

EMOTIONS:
Ugh, I don’t think I ate enough this morning. Just wasn’t that hungry and was busy on my flex day cleaning as I normally do. About an hour after breakfast I got hungry and my tummy was feeling weird again like it has been for the last couple of days. Well that cereal bar did not sit well. I immediately lost everything I’d eaten. Felt so very sick all day and a blazing headache. I really don’t think it can be the pills though, otherwise I would have felt this the first week I’m assuming. So I’m still optimistic.

Week 2, Day 3 - Exercising is Possible!!!

Week 2, Day 3
Wednesday, November 5

FOOD:
B: 4 eggs (2 whole), protein shake
Snack: banana
L: chilli
Snack: yogurt, string cheese
D: chicken, veggies

EXERCISE:
45 Minutes elliptical machine

EMOTIONS:
My tummy is kind of bugging me today but I’m doing a lot better at taking the pills etc.

Week 2, Day 2 - Finding my Mojo

Week 2, Day 2
Tuesday, November 4

FOOD:
B: oatmeal, 2 eggs, 2 whites
Snack: apple
L: chicken, rice, tomatoes, cheese
Snack: yogurt, string cheese
D: Chilli
Snack: Banana

EXERCISE:
30 minutes Cardio-Elliptical
Man this is kicking my butt! Why do I ever stop exercising. SO hard to get back into the swing of things. I was pooped after 30 minutes. It really is best to do 45 because you burn fat for longer even after the workout is over so its very worth it. But I think because I was cramping and was wanting to go home and play WoW, I was lucky to get in 30 minutes! Adam left before me to see his trainer, and I wondered if in the back of his mind if he wondered if I would actually show up, slacker that I am as of late. So weird because I really am a hard worker when I set my mind to it. It was pretty nice though because his trainer commented that she can tell I have lost wait so that was kind of nice to hear.
AND I WENT!!!! Give yourself credit for the things you are doing. We always have goals and we can always do better, but don’t discourage yourself and set yourself up for failure. Give you credit where credit is desserved.

EMOTIONS:
I am still really struggling. I think once I have the medicine in my system regularly for a few days (with no skipping!!!), it will be much easier. I have still had cravings, but I really think its because of my lack of inconsistency.
But I need to remain optimistic. So what I gained back two pounds. I’ve lost 17 in such a short time. If I get all sad it will only get me discouraged and more likely to cheat again. Too often I have that ‘all or nothing’ attitude. So sometimes I think well I cheated, may as well keep cheating. Its like the fat girl inside me is so wickedly clever and evil. She can justify anything. Had a bad day? Oh is your back hurting Holly? Oh are you tired? Did you get in an argument with someone? Oh isn’t work so stressful!!! Here, have some chocolate, you will feel better! Oh come on, one piece isn’t going to hurt!
And then once you’ve had some, well 2 more pieces can’t really hurt. I’m telling you, this fat girl is evil. And she lies! LOL I’m kind of joking, but there is some truth to it. A part of you wants you to fail. Isn’t that weird? But its true. Why? Well you’ve been fat for a long time (well at least I have lol)….its all you know and remember. Its comfortable. Part of you fears change. For instance, being fat is your favorite excuse. I don’t have more money or a better job etc because I’m fat. You use that for everything. So what if you don’t have that excuse anymore, what will you do?
So you have to really think it through and focus. You have to really want it. You have to make yourself follow it. Yes, this medicine definitely helps, but its still a challenge. Its not quite the miracle I thought it was at first. But I can use all the help I can get. But the point is, you still have to try.
For me, I’m not consistant for the long haul. I want it to come off fast and I want it now, but I have a hard time putting in the effort. I get sad, mad, etc and I want to do what I’ve always done, emotional eater that I am, and eat the troubles away. THIS WON’T WORK ANYMORE. Its not acceptable. And I can teach myself this. Its not easy, but I will do it.
How do you do it? Well I’m going to try this? Every time I crave something I’m going to ask myself a few questions and think about certain things:
1. Is this just a small snack that I really do need a taste of? If I just want a bite and then I’m good, then fine, go for it. I would rather have a little than deprive myself and then one day eat a whole cake. Moderation in all things seems to work for me.
2. Is this something that I will keep eating? Am I emotional or stressed or something?
3. Is this really what I want? Is it going to help me make my dreams come true?
4. Picture the wonderful things I look forward to when I’m healthier such as: fitting easily into airplane seats, going on roller coasters again, scuba diving, skiing, all kinds of sports!
5. YOU CAN DO IT. The power is in YOU.
6. You’ve been good before. Just keep doing it again.

Week 2, Day 1 - Paying the Piper

Week 2, Day 1
Monday, November 3

LAST WEEK’S RESULTS: Well I gained 2 pounds. I was thinking it was going to be more like 5 so I’m actually rather pleased. Just need to keep taking my pills and following the diet. Its actually not that hard!

FOOD:
B: oatmeal, protein bar
Snack: apple
L: chilli
Snack: yogurt, string cheese
D: chicken, potato, carrots

EXERCISE:
None Today
EMOTIONS:
I just need to refocus!

Day 9-13

Sunday November 2nd, 2008
Ok so someone has been a slacker with blogging!
Its been a rough road this past week. I forgot to take my pills a couple of more times and then it was Halloween and my period. Just a BAD combination overall lol. We had a little too much fun at our parties. So tomorrow its time to pay the piper. I have this really bad feeling that I gained like 5 pounds or something. It would really suck! But hey its my fault. I have to remember to eat and remember to take my pills.

I’m not going to let anything get in my way! Sometimes you fall, but you get right back up!

Day 7 & 8, not so great!

DAY 7
Monday, October 27, 2008
FOOD:
B: 2 eggs w/ salsa & cheese, protein shake
Snack: apple, string cheese
L: chicken, peppers & cucumber
Snack: apple
D: roasted chicken, beans, broccoli, small piece of corn bread

EXERCISE:
None Today
EMOTIONS:
I’m stoked! I just need to keep up the good work

DAY 8
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
FOOD:
B: 2 eggs, 2 sausage, hash brown (bad bad)
Snack: apple, string cheese
L: didn’t eat (bad, bad)
Snack: apple
D: peppers, chicken (fajitas, non-fat sour cream)

EXERCISE:
None Today

EMOTIONS:
Well I was running late this morning-things have been crazy at work, huge deadlines. Anyway forgot my pills last night when we went to Adam’s parents. So maybe that explains why it was so easy to go to McDonalds this morning. Yikes! I need to make sure I don’t forget to take my pills. They are so important!

I NEED TO KICK IT IN GEAR! This is classic Holly! I do really good and then I back down etc. Gotta keep it in forward gear full throttle! I WILL make this happen.

WEIGHT IN DAY!!!!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

ORIGINAL WEIGHT (10/17/08): 368
LAST WEEK: 362
TODAY: 349
WEEK’S LOSS: 13 POUNDS!
TOTAL (in 10 days) = 19 POUNDS!

Yeah, I’m pretty much speechless. In ever imagined I could lose so quickly. Now I won’t be losing that quickly in the future. It simply wouldn’t be healthy. When I see the dr again he will make sure everything is okay etc. If you lose too quickly they are afraid that you will easily gain it back. But I am being healthy. I’m eating right and regularly and drinking plenty of water!
But wow, aside from that being possibly too quick, I’m just so thrilled. I’m more happy than I can could ever express. I mentioned in an earlier post that I haven’t been 350 for 3 years. At my heaviest I was 414 pounds-YIKES. I had gotten down to 350 with a trainer, but I simply couldn’t keep my weight there. I have struggled for 3 years. I had a different trainer, I did Weight Watchers and all kinds of diets and had success, but nothing consistent. I would lose maybe 20 but then later gain it back. I went from 380-360 seriously about 10 times over the last 3 years, causing me just so much frustration. The 350 mark just felt like some kind of a mental block. I simply couldn’t get past it! I knew with this diet that I would get to my 350 mark, but I expected it to be after 3-4 weeks, so I am ELATED!

DAY 6
Sunday, October 26, 2008

FOOD:
B: 2 eggs, 2 egg whites, oatmeal
L: chicken, peppers & cucumber
Snack: apple
D: chicken & broccoli, carrots, & cauliflower

EXERCISE:
I wanted to do more today-45 minutes is really best for cardio because you burn fat for 2 more hours after you are done than if you only do 30 but I kind of had a scary thing happen. I don’t think it’s the pills, but I will be careful and monitor it just to make sure. What happened, is I was determined to do 10 on the Stair Master as I had done only 5 yesterday. It was a little too much. I think I got overheated or something. I felt really faint and had to sit down and splash cold water on myself for 15 minutes. Kinda freaky. I think I’m gonna do the Stair Master when I’ve lost 50 more pounds.
25 min: weight training-shoulders
10 min: Stair Master
15 min: Elliptical

EMOTIONS:
Well tonight I was kind of woozy I think from the Stair master still so I need to be super careful.
I’m so excited to weigh in tomorrow and get another Vitamin B shot. Kind of funny, I’ve never looked forward to a Monday and never looked forward to a shot before!
I’m also very excited to see that the medicine is still curbing my cravings! Today I wondered if it wouldn’t be quite so effortless. Typically in the past when I’d ignored my cravings and followed a strict diet and then cheated, it was nearly impossible to stop cheating. Once I’d tasted what I had missed, I just craved it more and more. So I’m THRILLED that it is still working.

Again, I’m on phentremine, a water pill, and some pre-diabetic medicine. I’m being monitored by a dr etc at the MD Diet which is nice. I go in once a week for a vitamin shot and they weigh me which is great, but anyone could get their dr to prescribe the appetite suppressant (phentremine) and its only 10-14 bucks a month. I SO recommend it if you have cravings that are out of control. IT WORKS!!!

STAY TUNED TOMORROW FOR THE BIG WEIGH IN!!!!

Day 5!!!

DAY 5
Saturday, October 25, 2008



I can’t believe how wonderful this diet is! These pills are magical. I think I seriously have found what works for me!



11:00 AM: mmmm I love sleeping in until whenever on Saturdays! Truthfully I normally don’t sleep in quite so much, but Adam and I are night people. We were up until almost 3! Craziness. I so love the weekend! Last night I did all the weekend shopping and did laundry and cleaning so we can be pretty lazy!!! We are playing WOW (I know, I’m such a nerd)



EXERCISE:
Now exercise hasn’t been that hard for me. I’m pretty athletic for someone my size! But its been a while and I do have some things that make it difficult. My back has been hurting more than normal. I have one heel also where I’m losing the arch (plantarfascitis) that really bothers me too. But I love exercising! It’s always hard getting yourself to go, but once you are there it feels really good!





Today's workout:


30 min Weight Training: Back


45 min Cardio: 5 min Stair Master


40 min Elliptical



1:00-1:30: I’m doing Adam’s back exercises with him. They told me not to do too much with weights, but I still think it’s important. I think my primary focus should be cardio though. I’m a lucky girl. I know I’m disgusting, but I just love my honey! It is so awesome to find someone that sees your for YOU and not just looking for a Barbie. He is incredible. But anyway that is a different story!



1:30-2:15 PM: Oh man this cardio was tough!!! I had to listen to my ipod and watch tv to distract myself (The Ring was on wahoo). But it felt seriously good! I just kept thinking about all of the things I will be able to do soon. Rollerblading. LOL I guess I’m a kid at heart! I just can’t wait until I can go scuba diving, until I can just do EVERYTHING!!! I will have to blog about it tomorrow!



CHEAT:
6:30-We went to 3 different places tonight to get what we wanted. For his cheat Adam wanted the Jalapeno burger from Carl’s Jr and their fries. I wanted cheddar tater tots from Taco Time and Nachos…mmmm! Then we got a shake from Iceberg.
Honestly it was hard at first to enjoy it because I kept thinking about how many calories I was consuming and I didn’t want to gain anything back, but then the smell hit me lol. You deserve to live a little! I couldn’t even eat all of it. (thankfully)

Day 4!!!!!

7:00 AM: Oh ick it can’t be time to wake up already! Snooze! So funny because on my flex schedule weeks (working 4 ten hour shifts) I have been at work at 7! Funny how I can’t even wake up at that time. (hmm, might be because we keep going to bed after midnight lol)

7:45 AM: Yikes, better get my ars outta bed! Now I will have to quickly do hair without straightening it (like I do almost ALL days lol) Time for breakfast and I’m ready for it. My body needing that start. I have my eggs, protein shake, and my oatmeal and I’m quite sated and finally awake!

8:00 AM: OMG!!!!! Scale HAS to be lying! Not going to report it officially as my scale is off from the one at the clinic, so mums the word for now (ha ha), but lets just say its appearing to be QUITE significant!

11:20 AM: Still feeling great and no cravings! Unheard of SERIOUSLY. I feel like a normal human who is in control of their life for once. OH man, my only regret is not hearing of this magical drug SOONER. I eat my orange with pleasure and drink the slightly icky vitamin drink. Can’t believe I’m full-from an orange people! Eating healthy is suddenly possible. Have to admit though, looking forward to cheat with Adam (my boyfriend) Saturday night J And I think I desserve it. (Though part of me feels like this is cheating or something lol-but honestly I don’t think I could have done it otherwise without some kind of an assistance due to the insane cravings, that I’m really starting to think were slightly physical and not just a sign of mental weakness)………….oh man! Seriously, I’m thinking I for SURE can be to 300 by Disneyland end of March. (You have no idea how awful it is not to go on rides. Luckily Disneyland’s seats are bigger, but do to this gal’s voluptuous booty, I haven’t been able to ride most rides at Lagoon (the only amusement park in Utah basically) for YEARS!!!! So I’m imagining myself on a roller coast and in a wedding dress one day (although NOT both at the same time lol)

4:50: Ok so I thought more about the cheating thing and this is definitely NOT cheating. I am being healthy and eating right and drinking water, no soda pop etc. I’m just enlisting the aid of an appetite suppressant that I need so much! Nothing wrong with using tools that are out there and being monitored by a dr makes me feel good about it J

Day 3!!!!!

DAY 3

Dietwise:

I'm doing really great. Energy is high! I'm sticking to the diet to a tee. Not having cravings. I'm pretty boring! Still peeing A LOT. I'm telling you water goes right through me!

I have to admit there was one point today where I thought about Diet Coke, but I kept myself so busy with work that it quickly passed. I fixed myself one of the fizzy vitamin drinks (check them out, you can get them anywhere-they are called Emergen-C's)

I have told some friends about it already. I know its premature, but I really just KNOW this is going to work. I want everyone to suceed. But it is different for everyone. Some things work for some and not others. But seriously for the first time I feel like I can do it! Its different this time. I'm not obsessed about food all day long. No caffeine headache! No cheating all day long here and there, hoping it won't matter!

I KNOW I SOUND CHEEZY BUT I CAN DO IT!

I am going to cheat one night this weekend, and I feel good about that. You have to have some kind of a reward. No one is going to never eat treats again the rest of their life. That just isn't possible. And the thing is I could actually have a mini candy bar or something a day and it wouldn't hurt anything. I just feel like I don't need it and that is unheard of. Its all about moderation and being realistic.

Motivation:

So today I was looking at a picture of myself back in high school. Hee hee pretty funny pic. I laugh as it was back before I wore much makeup, did much with my hair, or new how to take care of my eyebrows, but BESIDES that look at my size!!! I think I was like a 14 at the time. It was when I went on a little weight loss kick and started exercising like crazy and lost about 30-40 pounds. I think actually my dad and I had done Nutri-System. Ok and nothing against that diet, but no, the food does NOT taste all that great people. Plus I think that diets where you don't eat real food will be really hard when you get back to eating normal stuff to not gain it all back.

But anyway this picture is pretty motivational to me, because I have been heavy for so very long that sometimes its hard to imagine what I would look like.

I have to show a picture of my honey! I met Adam in March. He has had my heart ever since! He is my life. He encourages me. He has actually lost 60 pounds through a trainer and is only 20 away from his goal. I'm afraid this pic of him is actually a fat pic as he is thinner now. Anyway he is my everything! We are thinking of getting married sometime in the future-year to 2 years. Talk about motivation!!!! This butt has to fit in a dress soon!!!! (Not to mention that we want babies)

DAY 2 & BEFORE PICS!!!!

DAY TWO:

Well things went great!!! But don't they always on the 2nd day of a diet? You are all excited and motivated still. Only time will tell if I stick to it!!!!

But I think things look really good. Better than good! Its so wonderful actually. NO CRAVINGS!!!! I can't even believe that. I ALWAYS have cravings!!! Its unheard of and unbelievable. Seriously I've been trying to do the six small meal diet for like 2 years. I would do good but couldn't stick to it. But I always cheated quite a bit because I felt I could get away with it. But now I dont' even crave.

I HAVEN'T CRAVED DIET COKE!!!!

I have to say I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time. I really think this is the time!

I took some before pictures today (even though I've already lost 6 pounds in the pic)

Day ONE!!!!

The Plan (with MD Diet)
-Weekly weigh ins and vitamin shots
-Cleanse of green veggies and lean protein, eating every 2 hours
-Drinking lots of water
-Monthly dr. meetings
-Medications (appetite suppressants, pre-diabetic medication, water pill)

Things I've noticed about today:

1. I have a LOT more energy today. I had a cold recently and have felt so exhausted, so I definitely feel the vitamin B shot from last night.
2. I seriously haven't had cravings! This is unknown to me. I didn't think the phetrimine could work on the same day, but seriously I haven't craved anything.
3. I am having to use the bathroom a lot! The water pill will do that to you.

What I did RIGHT:

1. I set a timer for each snack (I eat every 2 hours) or meal to remind me to take it. This worked SO well.
2. I stuck to my meal plan. (This never happens.)
3. I had a Diet Dr Pepper open, but I threw it away without taking a sip. (again a miracle)

What I could IMPROVE ON:

1. Keep drinking lots of water.
2. Have extra snacks I can eat just in case

How do I FEEL?:

One word-G-R-E-A-T! I seriously am proud of myself. I found something affordable and that I can follow, AND its healthy and being regulated my a dr. This is important to me. Instead of focusing on the past, I'm working on the future to make me a happy and healthy woman!

My MOTIVATION:

• I don't want to feel icky and no energy anymore!
• I don't want to miss out on things because of the weight!
• I want to fit in a wedding dress sometime in the future
• I want to have kids and to be able to bike ride with them etc.
• I want to play sports again
• I want to be able to fit my ass comfortably at theatres, airplane seats, and amusement park rides!!!!!
• I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND IN MARCH! I HAVE TO BE DOWN TO 300 THEN

My Boo Hoo Baggage Sob Story!!!

YOU ate it!!!!

Ok, well we all have our story. We have all had drama in our lives, reasons that we became fat etc. I couldn't claim that mine is any worse than anyone else's.

I don't mean to imply that our situations made us fat and we are just helpless victims, because seriously, unless someone tied you up and forced you to eat ding dongs (that sounds kind of fun j/k) then nothing can cause US to get fat. It didn't happen to us. We LET it happen. I know that sucks to realize, but it is true. BUT I DIDN'T ALWAYS FEEL THAT WAY!

My mother passed away from an accidental suicide when I was 14 years old. I was crushed and my world was turned upside down. I think my entire family started putting on the weight. We were sad, and we thought food made us happy. (that damn food is tricky, tricky). When my dad got re-married a year later and suddenly I was going to a high school and only knowing one person in the whole school (I love you Lisa!!!) and having step-siblings and being in a new home. It was madness coping with all of that!

I thought the drama was over in my life but I battled with depression and kept gaining more weight. I had several times I lost weight but I would gain it back. Then things got even crazier with family life and the Garth Brooks song 'Mama's in the graveyard, papa's in the pen' sort of became my life.

So I ate and ate and ate some more. I was so down and out that I remember food was the only thing that made me happy. I can't tell you how many times I pigged out on things, mindlessly eating calories gallore! For example, I remember being sad that I didn't date, so quite often I'd go get the super size meal at Taco Time for example (and of course with cheese tator tots) and then get a bag of candy and a thing of Ben and Jerry's WITH a whole container of Magic Shell. I kid you not people! I shudder to think of what I did back then. It took me the whole night but I could pretty much pack it all in and I thought it made me happy. THOUGHT being the key word.

Isn't it sad the mindset we have sometimes? The lies we tell ourselves? I hated myself for doing it, but what did I do when I was depressed? I would eat and then eat some more. Then I would blame my mom or my dad or just blame it on my poor sorry life and that I couldn't help it. Boys were mean jerks who only wanted a barbie doll and healthy women were to be loathed.

Sounds comical, but that is pretty much how I was. I was angry and bitter and God and what HE did to me. LOL! I didn't realize until much later that he was there through it and that I survived because of his help.....

But not to wax all religious and all, but there came a time when I had to become accountible. I had to realize that I did it. No one else did it. Yes, I had a hard life, but so does EVERYONE. We all have trials. Some have it worse, some have it better. You just get what you get and you have to deal with it. You either make the most of it, or you can be miserable the rest of your life.

Well folks I got up to 414 pounds at my heaviest! It hit me hard that I would end up (no joking matter) someone who is bed-ridden and would need to be moved by crane or something.

Already things were miserable. Oh it is miserable being morbidly obese! I have problems with chairs at places. I fly for work and I squish myself into that seat and am so embarassed and humiliated and feel horrible for the person next to me. Its painful physically and emotionally.

NO MORE.

I got down to 350 at one point about 3 years ago with a trainer, but in the past 3 years, I have gone from 380ish to 360ish about 25 times no joking! I think I have a mental block.

I found out I'm nearly pre-diabetic. The reason why I have such cravings is because my body doesn't metabolize correctly, so it thinks its starving as it stores what I do eat.

So I heard about the MD diet-you can see more about the solutions they provide in one of my other blogs. I am excited about it. I love that a dr is involved. I love that medication will help control my cravings and help me metabolize better! I love being weighed in once a week, having a specific diet that isn't hard to follow, and getting a vitamin shot for energy weekly! I truly believe I will have sucess.

I firmly believe the key to losing weight is mostly mental. You have to figure out WHY you eat. Not just physical problems, but mental. You have to deal with those demons. I ate when I was sad. I'm much happier now, but its breaking those habits. I realize that I did this to myself, but I no longer hate myself. I love me! I'm proud of me for always trying, and I think I finally have the key to do it. I am beautiful and sexy, but this will help me be more happy!

I can't wait to walk down the aisle with my boyfriend in a dress that I feel good in. I want to have kids and ride bikes with them. So much to look forward to! You have the power within yourself to do it. You have to believe it.

Why is this chubby gal doing the MD Diet???

The Main Problems:
Ø I am morbidly (don’t you hate that term) obese.
Ø I weigh 362 (Start weight: 368.50) eek!!!!!
Ø I’m nearly pre diabetic (pre-pre diabetic??? Lol)
Ø I have out of control cravings for sweets!!!!
Ø Body Fat = 50.5%
Ø Total Body Water = 61.1 liters
Ø Body is not metabolizing sugars correctly-storing instead of using, therefore causing cravings & everything to be stored as fat.

The Solutions:
Ø Pre-diabetic medication will help body metabolize correctly.
Ø Appetite Suppressants will help overeating of sugar/sweets.
Ø Regular program of being weighed in weekly will help motivate.
Ø Nutrition program will serve as a healthy guide.
Ø Weekly Vitamin B shots will help improve energy
Ø Monthly visits with dr monitoring stats & overall health