Tuesday, November 11, 2008

MORNING MOTIVATION:
I can do it!!!! I need to think of my future babies and how I want to ride a bike with them and take them to Disneyland!!!

FOOD:
B: oatmeal, 4 eggs (2 whole, 2 egg whites)
Snack: orange, protein snack
L: tuna salad
Snack: orange, soy nuts (They are actually quite good-smoky bbq flavor)
D: chicken, mixed veggies
Snack: 100 cal fudgecicle

WORKOUT:
45 Min elliptical J

RECAP:
This morning had a little nausea, wondered if it was because I didn’t have my protein shake. It seems like every time I don’t have it, I don’t feel so well. Very strange. But perhaps I still have the bug a little.
In the afternoon before lunch started feeling sick again. Rah, I wish this bug would just go away. Not entirely convinced either way if it’s the pill or a bug. I would think if it were the pills I would’ve noticed sooner.
I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF! So I just got back from the gym. And I have to say I’m really proud of myself. Yeah, big deal you went to the gym. I’ve gone to the gym hundreds of times. But today I didn’t go because I thought I should or because I didn’t want to disappoint Adam, but because I WANTED to.
I walk in and see Heather training Adam. I’m just so proud of him. I can’t be jealous. I simply can’t. He has applied himself and has never given up. I was just so proud of him! He has so earned it and deserves this. He has lost 60 pounds! He is under 200 pounds and so close to his ideal weight. That is just amazing. I admit in the past I’ve thought its just easier for him and he had less to lose. Excuse after excuse. I compared myself and would get discouraged. I feel like all of that is gone and I’m just happy for him and I’m willing to be as dedicated as him and no more making excuses. No more setbacks! If I make a mistake, I’m getting right back on. If I don’t work out one day, fine, but I go right back. No more doing bad for a whole weekend or a whole week. That is behind me now.
And then after 10 minutes on the elliptical I felt really nauseated-this bug or whatever it is. So I went slow at it, but I was determined to keep at it, and I’m so proud that I did. You know, it isn’t easy being this big. Being over 300 sucks. Its not easy going to the gym, hell its not easy just walking! Going to the gym can be challenging. You feel like a spectacle. Sometimes I felt like I got enough cardio just walking up to the stairs to the cardio room lol. Its hard to see the skinny girls half-naked giggling with “Juicy” written on their ass! But you know what? Who do I have to blame for it? Yes, I haven’t had an easy life. My family has definitely gone through huge obstacles! But yet, I feel like I can’t complain. When I see people at work eating their hamburgers every day and start to feel jealous, I think to myself “Girl, you’ve had your share of fries and hamburgers.” I get a weekly cheat, I’m not deprived. And also, when I complain that its hard to exercise, hard to move, etc. Well like my Grandma used to say “YOU ate it!” So I can’t complain! No one to blame but myself! If I hadn’t of let it get so bad, I wouldn’t have to go through this.
But its not about blame! Its about learning from your mistakes! Its okay. I’m not mad at myself. I don’t hate myself or anything. I forgive me. I’m proud of who I am and I’ve been through a lot.
Tonight I was reminded of my strength. The Biggest Loser was on. Now this was my favorite show ever. My sister and I tried to be on that show. In fact, we turned in a video audition and everything. We were picked by some recruiters as a favorite and made it through to what you could say are the ‘semi finals’ as to who would be going to the final selection as to who would be on the show. It was a very emotional experience for us. I was so heartbroken when we weren’t chosen. And to be honest, I haven’t been able to watch a full episode of the Biggest Loser this season because of that experience.
But at the gym I watched it and I had to stop my tears from just flowing, seeing these people take control of their lives. Yeah, you could say they have all this help, and they do, BUT that doesn’t mean its easy. ITS SO HARD. I just felt so proud of them for making such a change. And it made me think how powerful a person I am. What strength I have inside me. And I know I can do it. I have all the support in the world. I have the tools. So its wonderful. I know I can do this. Its my life. I’m going to take control and start living it.
Its going to be hard not to weigh myself. But I need to not worry about that. The point is that you eat right and exercise so that you can lead a good life and take care of your body so that you can feel good. You follow that and the weight will come.