My blog feels more like my journal lately. Most of you know I have kept a journal for years and have like 20 of them at least, but last year I didn’t write as much as I normally do. I guess in today’s world it can seem so time-consuming. I wanted to make sure there were entries about Adam, and I’m happy to say there are some when we first started dating etc, so a couple of times I have looked back and really enjoyed what I wrote when we first started dating. Its kind of fun. I’m a sentimental fool if you want to know the truth. I’ve read our first conversations on IM as google keeps them. Also, I have a few of his texts, like the first time he said I love you in text (he said it in person first don’t worry lol) saved in my phone. What a silly woman!
I love how my friend Allison uses her blog as a scrapbook for her kids. I miss her dearly since she has moved (more than she knows), so it’s so fun to look at! She describes things so well and with the pictures and the artistic way she lays it out, it really feels like you are a part of it somehow. I have so many friends that keep fun blogs.
So forgive my dribble, it definitely serves my purpose as an outlet for my feelings, and a way to keep a journal more easily.
Well, my mind has been filled with nothing but wedding plans!!!! I wonder if the worry over it all is what started my illness. Today I can barely talk (hee hee a blessing some may think!). I’ve been so stressed about the lack of money and when the timing would be. Which is rather funny anyway because he hasn’t even asked! But his family has already started planning and we have picked the ring out and he knows the date. So much for surprises lol. But I love that I don’t know the date he will ask, so I’m really looking forward to it.
Well I have driven Adam, his family, my friends and family probably crazy going back and forth with wedding ideas etc I think. I had started thinking about it some time back. I have never really been that girl that has had it all planned out since she was six. So I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted etc. And I am a woman, an emotional one at that. And a Gemini! That leads to a lot of changing of the mind people!
It ended up that there were 2 ideas in my head. The one I really wanted I was suppressing. Everyone wanted the wedding sooner, even Adam. And it was important to me to make them happy. But I was so disappointed and worried and stressed. One thing was money. I’m in a debt settlement program, so if it was this year I would spend like nothing on my wedding. Now I’m no snob and need to spend thousands on my wedding, but I do admit there are things I really want. For example, Darin who did our video for Biggest Loser audition has to do my wedding video! I know its so expensive, but its so worth it to me. I don’t need a Vera Wang gown and a huge princess wedding, but I do want something that is classy. My dream wedding I guess you could say.
But I thought if we got married this year, I could sacrifice and not have the theme etc I desired. I came up with a fun alternate plan where all would be happy. A theme wedding around Halloween. This way it could be a fun party and I wouldn’t have to be in a dress and it could be soon etc.
And I am excited to marry him so much. I want that more than anything. But in a conversation last night with someone very dear to me, a very simple question was asked………..what do I really want? And I thought long and hard about that. What did I really want?
So last night after watching American Idol with Lisa and the gang, I went home and talked to my honey. I apologized for being stress case and for changing my mind practically every day. I told him that I had a time for us to get married in mind and wanted to run in by him. I told him that if he wanted sooner, it wasn’t just about me and we could compromise. After I told him my reasons though, he agreed, even though I know he wants to get married sooner. But he is so sweet and wants to make me happy. I feel so selfish asking him it, but he understands and is supporting me.
So we are thinking of next summer, maybe July or something. And we can not move the date back again no matter what. This way though we can save up for it and buy things gradually, but most importantly it gives me such a wonderful goal!
Yes I know you don’t have to be a skinny bride! I know that is not a requirement. I had resolved to not worry about it and be fine as is. But when I watched Bridal Wars and saw those women in their dresses, I just bawled (cried about lots of things that night lol) and bawled. That is what I want so bad.
And maybe its silly, maybe its selfish. Who knows what it is. But it is what I want more than anything. So I’m just hoping that everyone will be understanding and accepting of it. I know everyone wants sooner.
But I think this will really push me to lose as much as I can. I don’t need to be perfect by then. I just want to be at the point where I don’t have to special order a dress. I dream of Adam being able to lift his bride in his arms, you know without throwing out his back lol.
Its probably justification, but my family we have been through a lot. Just like everyone, life hasn’t been easy. So I just want this one thing. And I’ve agreed that we can’t change the date again. If I skip out on diet, then I agreed we will get married sooner.
Not just for the wedding, but then I will be healthy enough to have kids!
Wahoo! So now I can be healthier, in a normal size dress and have the cameo and black colors I really really want!