Too Fat for the Gym?

Are you one of those who gets embarrassed at the gym? Some just don’t like to sweat in public. Some may feel like an obstacle. Long ago, I really used to be that way. I had a real complex about it. I hated how fat and unattractive I felt. And although I don’t care now because I have Adam, it wasn’t so long ago when I felt pangs of jealousy at the more healthy girls. The gyms can seem like such a meat market, and sometimes viewing it can be annoying and really stir up those dark envious feelings. I have to admit, a small evil part of me really wanted to smack all those cute skinny chicks with “Juicy” written on their ass and who prance about like princesses at the gym? You know who I’m talking about-the skinny bitches. They work out in their sports bras. They have perfectly tone bodies and perfectly primped hair and make-up which is completely annoying. I’m sorry, but why the hell do you do your hair and make-up for the gym? I used to drag my butt at 5 AM and hit the gym, and there were still some of those. I used to be mad, bitter, angry about it.
But these feelings are just not healthy. What a waste of emotion. Now I enjoy the ambiance of the gym immensely. Its highly enjoyable to watch the flirting and staring. I’m amused by women who work out on a machine for 2 minutes and then switch to another one to be seen. But in all honesty, 24-Hour Fitness is not such a meat market as Gold’s was, so a lot of that childishness is gone. Most of the people are there to actually work out! Wow, what a concept!
And I know its hard, it just like how difficult it was going dancing. I’m sorry but who wants to see this butt and stomachs (yes, its pluralized as there are many) jiggle about? It is frightful and I am embarrassed about it. However, I am so proud of myself for being there. And you know what, most people are fine with it to be honest. You are working out for crying out loud! Its not like you are in the mall eating a pizza by yourself. If they are making fun or thinking stuff, so what. It doesn’t matter what they think! Focus on why you are there.
For instance last night. Last night I put on my headphones and listened to my music on my ipod. I have listened to tv for so long, I forgot the power of music to me. It made me work out so hard. I turned it up loud and just ignored everyone else. The fast music encouraged me to go faster, it really felt like it was giving me power. I just sweated like a pig and was happy as a claim. I was just so proud of myself. Honestly people are asses who watch the Biggest Loser and make fun of them when they work out. How immature do you have to be?
But here is the universal truth ok. People can be total assholes. It’s the truth. But that is just life. GET OVER IT. If you really can’t do the gym, then go walk around your block or walk at the gym when its busy and not many people are there. Do what you have to do. I’m just saying, don’t let it impede you. Don’t use it as an excuse to start your life! Because when we make the excuses like we don’t have time, money, the tools, etc aren’t they just excuses? Of course they are! I’m not saying its easy, but its worth it. START TODAY AND STICK WITH IT! You are in complete control. You can make your dreams come true. Its up to you.

Remember the three rules and you’ve got it made:
1. Get Moving-burn some calories!
2. Put down the fork! Eat less
3. Drink plenty of water
That’s all there is to it people.

He Never Promised me a Promise Ring

I can’t even remember if I already blogged about this. I know I commented about it on Facebook, but I got my promise ring! I’m so very excited about it. Can’t wait to me Holly Holt one day. (But boy is that a lot of HOL, HOL lol)……I guess at least its not Julia Goolia. (Name that movie Lisa!)
Jen and I actually did a little shopping the other day, and figured out some stuff I want. I’ve spent hours and hours looking online to figure out what I want.
THE COLORS:

Cameo pink, black, silver and white

THE THEME:
Victorian. There will be Victorian cones, maybe even some shoes, hats, fans etc.

THE CENTERPIECES:

I’m not sure completely, want to see how it will look, but my ideas so far: pebbles with wedding rub-ons strewn across the table, candles with ribbon & cameos, backless b&w pic of us on vellum paper w/ candle behind it, small Victorian cone with rose petals, small hatbox.
It’s so fun looking at things and deciding what you want. I actually discovered some cameos that I can get for 40 cents and even found some cameo molds that we can use for chocolates and even for icing for the cake! So way excited! I’m the luckiest girl in the world! Tons of time.
I really can do this. I can find things that I like and not spend a fortune, and I can be a relatively healthy bride by that time. And how lucky seriously to not have to do it in a few short months and stress like most people have to for their weddings.

Any Weight Loss Last Week?

Monday, January 26, 2009
I sleepily creep into the frigid laundry room/pantry where our big scale is. (Thank you Grandpa McAffee) I was so very excited to see it. I felt like one of the contestants on the Biggest Loser! I couldn’t wait to see what it would say. My goal was 4-5 pounds. I just know I did it. Images of the past week floated in my mind-the first week in like forever where I actually worked out 5 times, every time Adam did and just as hard. I had really pushed myself this time. Although my food hadn’t been perfect, it was really rather good! I was proud of myself, eager to see how many pounds. Although sometimes I weigh every day, I hadn’t in days so the anticipation was killing me!
I stepped on and…………..

WTF!!!! Hmmm, perhaps wasn’t quite as good as I thought I was! Although I was hurt, sad, disappointed, and all the other icky emotions, I quickly snapped out of it. After all, it still is a loss. Sometimes you lose big, sometimes it isn’t much. Sometimes you gain. But all that matters is that you keep going and see the bigger picture. So I will keep at it! Eat right and exercise!

Sunday, January 25, 2009
WEEKEND!!!!!
Bikini body I’m coming!!!!
One more glorious day left!!!!! Awww, I live for the weekends.........We’ve been working out like crazy which excites me so much! So weird, but I actually crave it now. I’m gonna ride this wave as long as it lasts. I seriously can’t wait to use the Body Bugg! We have to wait until the last day of the month paycheckwise to get it. Yesterday we were at Jen’s and she has one but hasn’t used it. I nearly stuck it under my shirt and walked out! I’ve been seriously hungry for that thing, and there it sat in an un-opened package crying out to me. Use me! Use me! J/K but anyway I’m excited to use the thing as you can tell. I know some of those machines lie about the calories, some seriously can’t pick up my heart rate. And I’m pretty sure I have a heart (although some exes may argue that ha ha ha j/k. I’m always the one that got dumped) so lots of times it doesn’t tell me the calories. Plus, no one really knows how many calories they burn cleaning and just going about your day. Not sure how this little thing does it, but it’s up to 90% accurate so I’m looking forward to that!

Tonight’s workout was tough but worth it!

I want to look good in my wedding dress!

Wednesday-January 21, 2009
Gripe, gripe, gripe! Do you ever just have one of those days?!!!! And somehow you just want the world to know, even when its not that big of a deal! Sometimes I feel like all I do is complain. Isn’t it sad that most of us have all of these wonderful things in our lives-we have cars, food, place to live. Compared to starving people, do we really have anything to complain about?
Yeah probably not, but I’m gonna do it anyway! So it probably started this morning when I saw my face all red and bloated. My eyes all tired and red. Upset at myself since it was my own bloody fault for not going to bed until midnight. Perhaps someday I will realize I’m not 22 anymore-meh, hasn’t happened yet!
Then I remember I have to train a class today for Sales. Have to look semi decent. So I take a shower (I actually do this on ALL days, not JUST when I have trainings lol) and wear a dressier outfit and actually do my hair and head out the door.
The early morning was fine. I was packing up all my shot glasses in preparation for the “desk demotion”. Talking to co-workers, working on projects. I prepare for the training, set up examples in the build key and head over to the Draper II building. Contemplate on drive over when I will clean up my car that looks like I live in it. Hmmm, one day I suppose.
So I show up and the receptionist isn’t there and the usual meeting listings are not in the conference room they call “The Blender”. I’m early, and the room is occupied. Oh well, so much for making sure the computer works.
I head in the bathroom and I have my laptop (in case the computer acts up) and purse and hang on the stall. I wash my hands and head back to the stall to get my purse and laptop and someone walks in. I walk out and then realize in horror the person probably thinks I didn’t wash my hands! You know how rumors are. People will whisper in future company meetings “That’s the girl who doesn’t wash her hands”………oh well. I get inside and realize I need a drink badly. I roam that side of the building. WTH! Where is the break room? Am I blind or mentally challenged? Please don’t answer. Finally like a dumbass I ask someone. Its on the 2nd floor. Weird. So I go there and of course its locked. My badge won’t work. So I go back to the front lobby glaring at the people in my meeting room, ornary and thirsty. (are you feeling sorry for me yet lol j/k-kinda). So I get in 10 minutes early-wahoo! I review my notes. Of course the system isn’t set up correctly and I have to do all the installs for our program to work blah blah blah. And then its 11:00. Hmmm, don’t see anyone here yet. This is the right room right? Check mark. And the day? Is the day right. Yep siree. Hmmmm. I start getting annoying by 11:10. How typical of people. Rah. I bet no one will even show up. 11:25-hmmm, I could go over and ask but hell no I’m too upset. Now am I really upset at them? Not really, just annoyed at the whole having to move thing and having prepared for this when none of this department showed up for the previous 2 trainings. So I leave annoyed as hell. But what do I come back to? I have moved all my stuff previously except for my phone and computer. I was hoping by some miracle they had decided to move it. And had they? Of course not.
Ok so nothing against my company, but everywhere else I’ve been they have people who do that. Now I realize I work for a technology company, but I just know my software program, doesn’t mean I know everything about computers! Rah. So I get back already agitated, only to look forward to having to climb under my desk multiple times. Once under the old desk to unplug everything. Then I need to remember what was plugged in where and go under the new desk and plug things in. This may sound easy but when you have a laptop mount and an additional monitor and speakers, keyboard, mouse, and the phone. And realize some of the stuff has big chords that won’t fit through the hole so you have to push it up through the hole and grab it. And I’m sorry to be so crude, but the last thing people want to see as they are walking down the aisle is my big ol’ booty sticking out from under the desk. I don’t get on my hands and knees for just anybody. Bwa ha ha ha, now I REALLY am being crude.
Anyway it all worked! By some miracle my computer works AND my phone so apparently I’m not as big of a moron as I suspected. I did have to IM Adam to get me to calm down. Sheesh, I get all worked up over nothing!

Thursday-January 22, 2009
Lol so my luck continues……..our main toilet has not been working forever. The complex has fixed it like 10 times. Now the seat is off, the flusher is broken, and you have to flush it like 10 times for it to work. So this morning the toilet in our bedroom (well you know, not literally in the bathroom-hmmm, that would be gross but so convenient lol) has a problem. It overflows. And there was only like 4 squares of tp in it. Not to be graphic, but yikes. So I have no toilet right now. Hmm, perhaps I should stop sipping water right now ha ha ha. Hopefully apartment people will be here soon.
Awww I love my Thursday flex days. I already did shopping. I did dishes and some of the cleaning. Laundry is being done right now. (Adam actually did have of it last night bless his soul). So what am I going to do tonight? Absolutely nothing! Lol. I need it. Still battling that cold and I’m way behind on my shows! I’m actually watching American Idol from last night as I’m writing this. Its still the auditions, so totally its my favorite!!!
So diet-wise I’m doing good. I was 360 beginning of January. Now I’m 354.5. Slow yes! I hope to do better, but I just recently started back into exercising etc as I was so very sick. But no excuses any more! Been to the gym a lot this week. I’m thinking about getting the body bugg system. It monitors how many calories you are burning throughout the day so keeping track if you are burning more than you are consuming. Seems really cool so Adam may get it for me as its on special this month. I’m stoked! I think it would really help me and a much cheaper alternative then a trainer.
Oh man I’m such a cry-baby lately! I stayed up super late last night and was watching the Biggest Loser. It is extra motivating to me this year because there are some really big people! Finally I can relate a little more. Some people previously are like 250 and although to most people that is a small planet, its small potatoes to a biggie like me. There is actually a woman who was like 375. The guy weighed around 400, so I feel like I can relate so much more to it this time. They work so very hard. I know I can do it too.

The Weekend Progress!!!!

1/16/09 Friday
7:00 AM: 2 eggs & salsa, oatmeal
8:43 AM: Awww don’t you just love Fridays???? Seriously. (Hmm, I say that a lot, cuz I keep wanting to write it and stopping myself as I use it to much lol). Oh I’m so sleepy today. I keep being so restless at night, keep thinking about wedding stuff and being so excited about it. Kind of like a kid the night before Christmas. Needs to stop!
Last night was Bonco, and it wasn’t really that hard to say no surprisingly. Even though there was yummy chocolate and sandwiches and the big half-time dessert was oogy gooey brownies with ice cream. Yummalicious! But it seriously (see I told ya) was not hard at all. I even helped Sharon serve everyone and the smell was so yummy. I did have one small piece of chocolate.
I have been really good the last couple of days. I did one of my workout videos yesterday. So I’m a little frustrated as I went up 2 pounds on Thursday and today I’m the same as yesterday. Just surprised as I weigh at the same time, sin ropa (without clothing lol), so there shouldn’t really be any factors that way. Usually when I’m being good I lose. Rah, I have a goal by Monday.
Maybe I’ve been worrying about it too much. So just need to calm down, make sure I get plenty of sleep especially since I have a cold. You can’t worry. This is when you can get frustrated and quit. But I can’t. I just need to keep being good. Sometimes that is just the way it is. Just have to keep at it.
So I have some other plans that will help. Since Adam and I don’t need to book a venue until like the summer, I have told him if I don’t lose the bare minimum 8 pounds each month, then for each month I don’t , he gets to move up the wedding date one month. That way it really pushes me.
I have another goal for Diet Coke. I just really love having the option, and I know there are some bad things about it, but I really want to be able to have a vice. But with all I’ve heard, I know restricting it will be key. I normally drink a lot of water, but lately less because I’ve been drinking more Diet Coke. So I have a good idea that won’t feel completely restrictive or a deprivation. The goal each day is to NOT have any. However, I can have one if I really need to. Also, on my weekly cheat day I can have a Diet Coke and its completely allowable.
3:50 PM: So I’m drinking my one Diet Pepsi lol. I feel guilty! I can barely drink it lol

1/18/09 Sunday
Well I ended up only drinking 1/3rd of that Diet Pepsi and then threw it out. However yesterday I did have one. But I’m okay with drinking just one. They say no one can have just one, but they can!
So yesterday I was good. A little snacky last night, but I think its okay. You live and you learn. And you just keep plugging away. I’m determined not to weigh until tomorrow morning. Last night I was proud of myself though. Not at first, I wasn’t feeling great in the morning so I begged Adam for us to be able to go to the gym later that night. Jen and I went and bought some stuff for the wedding. Oh and I must digress for a moment. I love just having a long time and being able to start already without all the pressure that most soon-to-be-brides must experience (poor dears). I have decided firmly on the cameo pink, black, white, and silver. Its so very pretty. The pink is just a delicate pink. Very pretty. It will all be enhanced with cameos. I got something off of E-Bay a while back. Last night I bought some loose cameos that we can use. I also found some that you can buy for 40 cents and that match my color scheme too. I’m so stoked! I was looking for hours last night on the internet and centerpieces etc. I did find some ideas I really like. I want to see what it would look like to copy a picture of us on vellum paper and put it in a backless frame and a candle in the back of it. Its supposed to make it glow a little. So I bought some candles to try it out with. Then we could decorate a candle with ribbon and a cameo. Then like a little homemade hat box and then a Victorian cone filled with rose petals and both decorated with cameo and lacy ribbon etc. Then all around the tablecloth will be pebbles/rocks with those rub on sayings that say “I love you” and “I do” etc. It should be really pretty. So you can see the rocks (some are black, some are pink), perhaps the tablecloths could be pink with black trim and then a piece across the middle in silver??? I have to see what that looks like to make up my mind. Anyway if the picture doesn’t work out, I want to lay out b&w pictures of me and Adam. So fun!!! We also found a few more frames. I have a ton of frames we can already use for the display tables. We did buy a couple more. I want candles and those Victorian cones everywhere and cameos on everything. I think it will be so pretty!
Anyway so the part I was proud of is that Adam started raiding so we didn’t go to the gym Saturday. Then I was raiding (Wow game) until 1. Well I had promised him I would work out, so I popped in a workout video and did it. I felt really good about that.
Today we will go right after breakfast.

1/15/09 Thursday

Life is good!
I just am so happy right now! I think the last month was so very stressful and it had such a toll on me. I was highly stressed with work. I was so worried about all the wedding stuff. I had a miserable cold for 2 weeks, and just felt pretty hopeless and miserable for a period of time there.
But its given me a lot of time to self-reflect. I realize how much I stress over things! Crazy gal that I am! With work I’m going to try to be better. Yes, things get stressful, but I always handle it great, it works out every time so why do I worry so much! We are such funny creatures!
And now I’m just so so very happy. I just feel so very lucky with everything. I remember a while back when seriously (and I know I’ve said it before), I just figured I would be fat and alone forever. And I was miserable. I knew it was my own fault. Deep down I knew. I was so wrapped up in grief and family problems, that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I kept thinking why me, but I know that is silly now. There is always someone who has it better, always someone who has it worse. So why focus on it? Deal with what you have. On the things you don’t like, CHANGE them. Realize you can change them. Work on a little at a time and know you can do it.
Last night I was nervous to tell Adam’s family about the wedding stuff. I was gonna chicken out. We had gone to Robby’s (Adam’s and my friend) dinner party and then went to Joey’s (Adam’s brother) birthday party and Adam whispers to me that I should tell them. So I told his mom while she cut his hair and she was so awesome about it. I know she wants it sooner as does he, but they understand. So I ask you, how lucky can a girl get?
I mean seriously, I should never complain about anything ever! I love my family so much. Jen and I have gotten closer. She has agreed to help me with so so much with the wedding and will be my maid of honor. I love my family. They love Adam so much.
And Adam’s family. Oh my gosh. No complaints! Seriously none. I love them all. We have so much fun playing games. They have teased him if he ever leaves me they will get rid of him and keep me. I’ve gone over there for family night even when Adam wasn’t there. And the sweetest thing, Val (his mom) heard me say how I’m sad my mom won’t be there and she gave me a big hug and said she knows I’m not her mom but that she will be there for me. How sweet is that. Anyway, they are great! It just makes me cry almost, because I’ve prayed long and hard for God to give me someone wonderful. And if it wasn’t too much to ask I begged if I could have a great mother-in-law since I don’t have a mom anymore. Tears of joy are filling my eyes right now. I’m so grateful.
I also feel so empowered right now. I just watched Biggest Loser which always motivates me. Wowers, they work out like 5-6 hours a day. Now you have to be careful, their diet is monitored and they have trainers and medical professionals, but you can do it yourself. I’ve decided I need and uber challenge. I need something new. I’m thinking about working out more. Ha ha, been slacking lately with the cold so working out more wouldn’t be hard. But what I really want to do is continue the nightly workouts with Adam-we usually go 5-6 times. But I want to do that and also work out in the mornings a little with the workout videos I have. That’s a lot, but come on, 3 hours is nothing compared to what they are doing. So I’m going to gradually try to do that. Let’s see how this goes. Sometimes you get great ideas, and sometimes they don’t always pan out. But I think this would really help me get into that wedding dress next year!
I can really taste it this time! There is no time for the up and down weight loss I’ve had in the last few months. Now of course there will be a week or so when I stay the same or gain, but I want 7 out of 8 to be weeks where I lose. And I know I can do it if I just stick to it. This will teach me patience! Control the cravings.
One tip I learned today. Sometimes you start craving something sweet. You think of donuts and chocolate cake etc. And every once in a while its ok to indulge, but you can’t indulge all the time. You need to have control and save that cheat night for later. So what do you do? You drink some water and have a snack that is naturally sweet. Realize that your craving is really just a sign. Most of the time its just that you are hungry and need something. A yogurt, a protein bar, a fruit, things that are sweet but have ¼ of the calories of the cake, are an excellent substitute and you learn its what your body needs and you are sated!
Bonco is tonight. They always have yummy desserts and from the 3 different cakes that were offered last night I did have one small piece, so I’m not going to tonight. I’m going to make sure I eat dinner before and then I will bring a protein bar in case there isn’t any fruit or veggies that I can eat, and say no to the half time goodie. I can do it! It will be worth it.
I need to remember this when I'm having a bad day!!!!

My blog feels more like my journal lately. Most of you know I have kept a journal for years and have like 20 of them at least, but last year I didn’t write as much as I normally do. I guess in today’s world it can seem so time-consuming. I wanted to make sure there were entries about Adam, and I’m happy to say there are some when we first started dating etc, so a couple of times I have looked back and really enjoyed what I wrote when we first started dating. Its kind of fun. I’m a sentimental fool if you want to know the truth. I’ve read our first conversations on IM as google keeps them. Also, I have a few of his texts, like the first time he said I love you in text (he said it in person first don’t worry lol) saved in my phone. What a silly woman!
I love how my friend Allison uses her blog as a scrapbook for her kids. I miss her dearly since she has moved (more than she knows), so it’s so fun to look at! She describes things so well and with the pictures and the artistic way she lays it out, it really feels like you are a part of it somehow. I have so many friends that keep fun blogs.
So forgive my dribble, it definitely serves my purpose as an outlet for my feelings, and a way to keep a journal more easily.
Well, my mind has been filled with nothing but wedding plans!!!! I wonder if the worry over it all is what started my illness. Today I can barely talk (hee hee a blessing some may think!). I’ve been so stressed about the lack of money and when the timing would be. Which is rather funny anyway because he hasn’t even asked! But his family has already started planning and we have picked the ring out and he knows the date. So much for surprises lol. But I love that I don’t know the date he will ask, so I’m really looking forward to it.
Well I have driven Adam, his family, my friends and family probably crazy going back and forth with wedding ideas etc I think. I had started thinking about it some time back. I have never really been that girl that has had it all planned out since she was six. So I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted etc. And I am a woman, an emotional one at that. And a Gemini! That leads to a lot of changing of the mind people!
It ended up that there were 2 ideas in my head. The one I really wanted I was suppressing. Everyone wanted the wedding sooner, even Adam. And it was important to me to make them happy. But I was so disappointed and worried and stressed. One thing was money. I’m in a debt settlement program, so if it was this year I would spend like nothing on my wedding. Now I’m no snob and need to spend thousands on my wedding, but I do admit there are things I really want. For example, Darin who did our video for Biggest Loser audition has to do my wedding video! I know its so expensive, but its so worth it to me. I don’t need a Vera Wang gown and a huge princess wedding, but I do want something that is classy. My dream wedding I guess you could say.
But I thought if we got married this year, I could sacrifice and not have the theme etc I desired. I came up with a fun alternate plan where all would be happy. A theme wedding around Halloween. This way it could be a fun party and I wouldn’t have to be in a dress and it could be soon etc.
And I am excited to marry him so much. I want that more than anything. But in a conversation last night with someone very dear to me, a very simple question was asked………..what do I really want? And I thought long and hard about that. What did I really want?
So last night after watching American Idol with Lisa and the gang, I went home and talked to my honey. I apologized for being stress case and for changing my mind practically every day. I told him that I had a time for us to get married in mind and wanted to run in by him. I told him that if he wanted sooner, it wasn’t just about me and we could compromise. After I told him my reasons though, he agreed, even though I know he wants to get married sooner. But he is so sweet and wants to make me happy. I feel so selfish asking him it, but he understands and is supporting me.
So we are thinking of next summer, maybe July or something. And we can not move the date back again no matter what. This way though we can save up for it and buy things gradually, but most importantly it gives me such a wonderful goal!
Yes I know you don’t have to be a skinny bride! I know that is not a requirement. I had resolved to not worry about it and be fine as is. But when I watched Bridal Wars and saw those women in their dresses, I just bawled (cried about lots of things that night lol) and bawled. That is what I want so bad.
And maybe its silly, maybe its selfish. Who knows what it is. But it is what I want more than anything. So I’m just hoping that everyone will be understanding and accepting of it. I know everyone wants sooner.
But I think this will really push me to lose as much as I can. I don’t need to be perfect by then. I just want to be at the point where I don’t have to special order a dress. I dream of Adam being able to lift his bride in his arms, you know without throwing out his back lol.
Its probably justification, but my family we have been through a lot. Just like everyone, life hasn’t been easy. So I just want this one thing. And I’ve agreed that we can’t change the date again. If I skip out on diet, then I agreed we will get married sooner.
Not just for the wedding, but then I will be healthy enough to have kids!
Wahoo! So now I can be healthier, in a normal size dress and have the cameo and black colors I really really want!

TEARS, BREASTS, & BRIDAL WARS..........

I’m fairly confident that such a title (see above) has never before been written………
Wowsers! Its been WAY too long since I’m blogged.
So before I get to the title, here are some other topics of interest:

HEALTHWISE:
So I went up a LOT over the holidays, BUT I’m back to where I was before them so that is great. No more holidays for a long time, so it should be MUCH easier. Kudos to Lisa who inspired me to write yet again even when I haven’t done well………and to keep blogging (and not play wow so much lol)

I did just get my hair done and I’m contemplating getting my nails done. I hate paying for it honestly, but it does make me feel all girly etc. They say beauty is from within, but can anyone see really see my inner beauty (well except that one time I had an ultrasound)………j/k I really agree that beauty is from within-its NOT just something ugly people say (that movie quote is from Linzie who BETTER know it).

But, having said that, I have noticed that I have more confidence on days where I get a little more “dolled up”. Not sure that guys feel the same way, but for most of us women, we feel more pretty when we have a little make up and our hair is nice. When you are happier, you are more apt to take better care of yourself, so its part of my overall improvement of myself………(also perhaps because I’m seeing my friends Kari and Justin tonight who really notice these things!)
So anywho, I’ve been super sick and running around doing stuff, need to refocus on the gym. I felt super horrible, but I’m feeling somewhat better so I need to get back there. I did meet my goal last week, but for this week its looking kinda grim so far (might be due to the buttered popcorn last night)

TEARS/BREASTS/BRIDAL WARS:
Yes still with Adam and no, not married or engaged yet. But yikes the pressure! I love his family dearly but they are all pushing this June thing and Adam and I definitely want to get married, but don’t want to be pushed into it, we want to feel like we are doing it because we actually want to do it. But it was funny. Monday his family kept teasing me-and I just adore them. Goodness they got more presents for me for Christmas than they did Adam. I seriously seriously love them! There is no one out there with better future in-laws. I count my blessings in that regard highly. So they were laying it on thick Monday, then Tuesday morning his aunt (whom I work with) started how we should just have a triple marriage with Adam’s cousins in June. So everyone is pushing June and even other coworkers are asking if I’m getting married in June. And then Monday night I dreamt that Adam proposed and I was pregnant also. And then last night I watched the movie Bridal Wars! YIKES!!!!!

Well and to be honest, I love him with all my heart. He is amazing and I want his babies and to grow old with him! But seriously I’m in a debt program so no mula and no one to help pay for a wedding AND I’m too chunky to get in a wedding dress. I refuse to do it!!!! I don’t need to be my ideal weight, but I need to get at least 100 pounds off this body before I start trying on dresses. So anyway those are my reasons.

So last night during the movie though, which is hilarious by the way. You totally need to see it! Anyway I couldn’t stop crying my eyes out. One of the fighting brides lost her parents, and see I have this little issue I need to deal with. At Laurie’s wedding I couldn’t stop crying because it just felt so wrong that my mother wasn’t there and I remember feeling so sad for Laurie and for me when I get married one day……..so this movie I have to tell you was pretty unreal. I’m not used to this. I’ve been single forever. Normally I love during these chick flicks or wedding movies, but if I was depressed I would get really sad. There were many times I was resolved in thinking that I wouldn’t get married. I tried to deal with it, but sometimes it was overwhelming……….so anyway lots of emotions as I watched that movie anyway. And sometimes maybe you just need to cry……..but after the movie I just cried my eyes out for like 2 hours. I’m so grateful to my sisters Laurie, Jen, and Adam who comforted me.
I was so sad thinking of getting married without my mother. I just miss her so much sometimes. But Laurie helped comfort me and told me she knew mom was at hers. And on that day its okay to just be happy. Mom would want it that way.

PUBLIC NUDITY!!!!

So there was some comic relief, and I hate even writing it after such an emotional display….but here goes. ………….I FEEL SO VIOLATED! Here we are in the theatre, you know PUBLIC movie theatre, and suddenly, missy in front of us plops out her naked B-R-E-A-S-T (nipples and all) in front of God and everyone to feed her young child. NO BLANKET PEOPLE!!!! Now I am not one of those that freaks out over people breast feeding. Some people can’t handle it at all. I’m not overly modest, I get it-you gotta feed your kid. Personally not sure I could in public even with a blanket, maybe with family (and only adults),…………..EEEEK. Seriously felt so uncomfortable with that.

But it got worse. So she stops for a bit and her naked breast still just hanging out for all to see. Then after she is done, baby is sleeping and for the rest of the movie her breast is still out!!!! Hello, thought the movie was PG, but it just got bumped up to PG-13.
Yikes, sorry but this is just so wrong on so many levels. And I know there is a huge movement about there and the beauty and naturalness of this and how women should be able to do it, well fine but GET A BLANKET!!!!! For the love of all that is holy! Hello, if I had kids or teenagers I would have been QUITE upset and I might have said “hey lady, put dem things away” Perhaps I'm a prude, but to me that is so disrespectful!!!!!