My blog feels more like my journal lately. Most of you know I have kept a journal for years and have like 20 of them at least, but last year I didn’t write as much as I normally do. I guess in today’s world it can seem so time-consuming. I wanted to make sure there were entries about Adam, and I’m happy to say there are some when we first started dating etc, so a couple of times I have looked back and really enjoyed what I wrote when we first started dating. Its kind of fun. I’m a sentimental fool if you want to know the truth. I’ve read our first conversations on IM as google keeps them. Also, I have a few of his texts, like the first time he said I love you in text (he said it in person first don’t worry lol) saved in my phone. What a silly woman!
I love how my friend Allison uses her blog as a scrapbook for her kids. I miss her dearly since she has moved (more than she knows), so it’s so fun to look at! She describes things so well and with the pictures and the artistic way she lays it out, it really feels like you are a part of it somehow. I have so many friends that keep fun blogs.
So forgive my dribble, it definitely serves my purpose as an outlet for my feelings, and a way to keep a journal more easily.
Well, my mind has been filled with nothing but wedding plans!!!! I wonder if the worry over it all is what started my illness. Today I can barely talk (hee hee a blessing some may think!). I’ve been so stressed about the lack of money and when the timing would be. Which is rather funny anyway because he hasn’t even asked! But his family has already started planning and we have picked the ring out and he knows the date. So much for surprises lol. But I love that I don’t know the date he will ask, so I’m really looking forward to it.
Well I have driven Adam, his family, my friends and family probably crazy going back and forth with wedding ideas etc I think. I had started thinking about it some time back. I have never really been that girl that has had it all planned out since she was six. So I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted etc. And I am a woman, an emotional one at that. And a Gemini! That leads to a lot of changing of the mind people!
It ended up that there were 2 ideas in my head. The one I really wanted I was suppressing. Everyone wanted the wedding sooner, even Adam. And it was important to me to make them happy. But I was so disappointed and worried and stressed. One thing was money. I’m in a debt settlement program, so if it was this year I would spend like nothing on my wedding. Now I’m no snob and need to spend thousands on my wedding, but I do admit there are things I really want. For example, Darin who did our video for Biggest Loser audition has to do my wedding video! I know its so expensive, but its so worth it to me. I don’t need a Vera Wang gown and a huge princess wedding, but I do want something that is classy. My dream wedding I guess you could say.
But I thought if we got married this year, I could sacrifice and not have the theme etc I desired. I came up with a fun alternate plan where all would be happy. A theme wedding around Halloween. This way it could be a fun party and I wouldn’t have to be in a dress and it could be soon etc.
And I am excited to marry him so much. I want that more than anything. But in a conversation last night with someone very dear to me, a very simple question was asked………..what do I really want? And I thought long and hard about that. What did I really want?
So last night after watching American Idol with Lisa and the gang, I went home and talked to my honey. I apologized for being stress case and for changing my mind practically every day. I told him that I had a time for us to get married in mind and wanted to run in by him. I told him that if he wanted sooner, it wasn’t just about me and we could compromise. After I told him my reasons though, he agreed, even though I know he wants to get married sooner. But he is so sweet and wants to make me happy. I feel so selfish asking him it, but he understands and is supporting me.
So we are thinking of next summer, maybe July or something. And we can not move the date back again no matter what. This way though we can save up for it and buy things gradually, but most importantly it gives me such a wonderful goal!
Yes I know you don’t have to be a skinny bride! I know that is not a requirement. I had resolved to not worry about it and be fine as is. But when I watched Bridal Wars and saw those women in their dresses, I just bawled (cried about lots of things that night lol) and bawled. That is what I want so bad.
And maybe its silly, maybe its selfish. Who knows what it is. But it is what I want more than anything. So I’m just hoping that everyone will be understanding and accepting of it. I know everyone wants sooner.
But I think this will really push me to lose as much as I can. I don’t need to be perfect by then. I just want to be at the point where I don’t have to special order a dress. I dream of Adam being able to lift his bride in his arms, you know without throwing out his back lol.
Its probably justification, but my family we have been through a lot. Just like everyone, life hasn’t been easy. So I just want this one thing. And I’ve agreed that we can’t change the date again. If I skip out on diet, then I agreed we will get married sooner.
Not just for the wedding, but then I will be healthy enough to have kids!
Wahoo! So now I can be healthier, in a normal size dress and have the cameo and black colors I really really want!

TEARS, BREASTS, & BRIDAL WARS..........

I’m fairly confident that such a title (see above) has never before been written………
Wowsers! Its been WAY too long since I’m blogged.
So before I get to the title, here are some other topics of interest:

HEALTHWISE:
So I went up a LOT over the holidays, BUT I’m back to where I was before them so that is great. No more holidays for a long time, so it should be MUCH easier. Kudos to Lisa who inspired me to write yet again even when I haven’t done well………and to keep blogging (and not play wow so much lol)

I did just get my hair done and I’m contemplating getting my nails done. I hate paying for it honestly, but it does make me feel all girly etc. They say beauty is from within, but can anyone see really see my inner beauty (well except that one time I had an ultrasound)………j/k I really agree that beauty is from within-its NOT just something ugly people say (that movie quote is from Linzie who BETTER know it).

But, having said that, I have noticed that I have more confidence on days where I get a little more “dolled up”. Not sure that guys feel the same way, but for most of us women, we feel more pretty when we have a little make up and our hair is nice. When you are happier, you are more apt to take better care of yourself, so its part of my overall improvement of myself………(also perhaps because I’m seeing my friends Kari and Justin tonight who really notice these things!)
So anywho, I’ve been super sick and running around doing stuff, need to refocus on the gym. I felt super horrible, but I’m feeling somewhat better so I need to get back there. I did meet my goal last week, but for this week its looking kinda grim so far (might be due to the buttered popcorn last night)

TEARS/BREASTS/BRIDAL WARS:
Yes still with Adam and no, not married or engaged yet. But yikes the pressure! I love his family dearly but they are all pushing this June thing and Adam and I definitely want to get married, but don’t want to be pushed into it, we want to feel like we are doing it because we actually want to do it. But it was funny. Monday his family kept teasing me-and I just adore them. Goodness they got more presents for me for Christmas than they did Adam. I seriously seriously love them! There is no one out there with better future in-laws. I count my blessings in that regard highly. So they were laying it on thick Monday, then Tuesday morning his aunt (whom I work with) started how we should just have a triple marriage with Adam’s cousins in June. So everyone is pushing June and even other coworkers are asking if I’m getting married in June. And then Monday night I dreamt that Adam proposed and I was pregnant also. And then last night I watched the movie Bridal Wars! YIKES!!!!!

Well and to be honest, I love him with all my heart. He is amazing and I want his babies and to grow old with him! But seriously I’m in a debt program so no mula and no one to help pay for a wedding AND I’m too chunky to get in a wedding dress. I refuse to do it!!!! I don’t need to be my ideal weight, but I need to get at least 100 pounds off this body before I start trying on dresses. So anyway those are my reasons.

So last night during the movie though, which is hilarious by the way. You totally need to see it! Anyway I couldn’t stop crying my eyes out. One of the fighting brides lost her parents, and see I have this little issue I need to deal with. At Laurie’s wedding I couldn’t stop crying because it just felt so wrong that my mother wasn’t there and I remember feeling so sad for Laurie and for me when I get married one day……..so this movie I have to tell you was pretty unreal. I’m not used to this. I’ve been single forever. Normally I love during these chick flicks or wedding movies, but if I was depressed I would get really sad. There were many times I was resolved in thinking that I wouldn’t get married. I tried to deal with it, but sometimes it was overwhelming……….so anyway lots of emotions as I watched that movie anyway. And sometimes maybe you just need to cry……..but after the movie I just cried my eyes out for like 2 hours. I’m so grateful to my sisters Laurie, Jen, and Adam who comforted me.
I was so sad thinking of getting married without my mother. I just miss her so much sometimes. But Laurie helped comfort me and told me she knew mom was at hers. And on that day its okay to just be happy. Mom would want it that way.

PUBLIC NUDITY!!!!

So there was some comic relief, and I hate even writing it after such an emotional display….but here goes. ………….I FEEL SO VIOLATED! Here we are in the theatre, you know PUBLIC movie theatre, and suddenly, missy in front of us plops out her naked B-R-E-A-S-T (nipples and all) in front of God and everyone to feed her young child. NO BLANKET PEOPLE!!!! Now I am not one of those that freaks out over people breast feeding. Some people can’t handle it at all. I’m not overly modest, I get it-you gotta feed your kid. Personally not sure I could in public even with a blanket, maybe with family (and only adults),…………..EEEEK. Seriously felt so uncomfortable with that.

But it got worse. So she stops for a bit and her naked breast still just hanging out for all to see. Then after she is done, baby is sleeping and for the rest of the movie her breast is still out!!!! Hello, thought the movie was PG, but it just got bumped up to PG-13.
Yikes, sorry but this is just so wrong on so many levels. And I know there is a huge movement about there and the beauty and naturalness of this and how women should be able to do it, well fine but GET A BLANKET!!!!! For the love of all that is holy! Hello, if I had kids or teenagers I would have been QUITE upset and I might have said “hey lady, put dem things away” Perhaps I'm a prude, but to me that is so disrespectful!!!!!

December 17, 2008
Weight 12/15/08: 359.75
Weight 12/16/08: 357.5
Weight 12/17/08: 355
WOOT!
I’m just thrilled! I would like to be 345, so lose 10 more by the New Year. I could lose more, but I know I will indulge a little on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

GOALS:
TODAY: NO sodas today
THIS WEEK: Weigh 350 by Monday morning J
THIS MONTH: Weigh 345 by NEW YEARS! (and hopefully fit in my jeans!!!)

LONG TERM: Weigh 300 by April 1st
But I’m going to just take it one step at a time!

I’m on the RADIO???!!!!

LISTEN TO ME ON THE RADIO:
GO TO:
http://x96.com/music/podcast/rfh/ or www.x96.com and click on PODCASTS link
1. METHOD ONE-Click on HERE link under itunes logo (View details about podcast) and then select the following shows (times are listed)
· December 8, 2008 Show-Time = 1:39:22 (one hour, 39 min, 22 sec) (they read 1st email)
· December 10, 2008 Show-Time = 2:09:51 (2nd email read)
· December 11, 2008 Show-Time = 46-47:17 (me calling in)
· December 12, 2008-Time = 28:40-40:30 (me in the studio being “kept” or dumped”)
2. METHOD TWO-click on Here link (3rd one down-headphones icon) to listen WITHOUT itunes). Days & times of shows:
· December 8, 2008 Show-Time =99:29-100:5 (they read my email)
· December 10, 2008 Show-Time = 130:4-133:1 (they read my 2nd email)
· December 11, 2008 Show-Time = 46-47:17 (I call in)
· December 12, 2008 Show-Time 28:48-40:26 (me in the studio-funny)

MY EXPERIENCE:
DAY ONE:
So I sent an email last week to Richie, the producer of X-96. They are looking for people to come help with the show-interns what have you. I thought this might be fun and have always loved radio, so I sent the email and told my boyfriend Adam about it.
So last week, he IM’s me exclaiming “Hon, they are reading your email on the radio”. I thought he was joking and laughed, and then he started typing my exact email:
Hi Richie!
My name is Holly McAffee and I would be thrilled to be a part-time intern! I love your show, thanks for letting me listen!
About me:
I’m energetic and really fun! I’m a cute chubby girl, even though Bill says you can’t be cute if you are chubby lol. I am a people person, love to give talks etc.
I’m assuming you need interns in the morning. I could from 5 AM to 8:30 AM, or anything from 6 PM to Midnight.
I have ALWAYS been interested in radio. I have attached my resume.
I was so embarrassed. I listened and was dying laughing! I meant to say I like to talk! Not give talks. So they were teasing me about that. And then they claimed Bill NEVER said I couldn’t be chubby.
Richie emailed me back and said they wanted me to come give them a talk!
I emailed Richie back as follows:
Dearest Richie,
Thank you so kindly for emailing me back. So I just heard the program from yesterday as I am computer ‘savvy’ enough to listen to the podcasts……….(and trust me, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying from embarrassment)
So which “Talk” would you like:
-The “honey we have to talk” talk
-The “when we are in public don’t call me mother. Call me Jill.” Talk
-The talk your son gives you about how he likes boys
-The “sex” talk
LOL I can give you any talk you like! For the record, I actually meant that I like to talk!!!!
On a serious note, would you like a presentation or really a talk? How about Thursday or Friday morning? Can you give me the address and time that works for you!
PS. Bill DID say I couldn’t be cute one day off the air when I called in once. But I am more than chubby-I’m more like morbidly obese, but who wants to describe themselves as such?
This video (if he actually watched it at the time) may refresh his memory:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ounQqzjmxpY

DAY TWO:
So on December 10th, they read my second email on the air and Bill remembers who I am and says I am cute though I’m chubby lol
DAY THREE:
On the 11th I call in and am on the air and we set up for me to come the next day to be on the radio and give my list of things that must go (pet peeves)
DAY FOUR:
So last Friday I was on the radio! Went it and met the Radio from Hell DJ’s and was on the show. It was so much fun! Too hilarious to even describe. You must listen to the podcast.

CURRENTLY:

I made them some homemade ornaments that I'm going to take in tomorrow or the next day.

Laugh all day!!!!

Bizarre Sense of Humor……….

Do you find yourself laughing at things that aren’t supposed to be funny? Do you ever make jokes that no one gets but you? Welcome to my world!!!!! Thank heaven I found a man who is just as silly as I am!
I think I’ve had this “oddity” since I was a child. I remember my mother being furious at the airport when I told security that yes, lots of strange men had indeed asked me to carry things for them. I was so young and though it was such a strange question that security MUST be joking. My mother didn’t find it so funny.
Other things that have made or make me laugh: (some I’m ashamed to admit, others just REALLY are funny)
• When ice-skaters fall. (Oh come on, there is a part of you that finds it funny)

• My step mother’s version of the “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire” song (It goes-“Chipmunks roasting on an open fire, jack frost ripping off his clothes…………..Merry Christmas you jerk)


• When we got life insurance offer for my mom a week after she died. (In hindsight, we should have applied!)

• The time my best friend from high school and I went to visit my uncle in Cali and at the grocery store when asked if he wanted paper or plastic he replied “I don’t care. I’m bisexual”


• Random movie quotes: “Sometimes I bleed”; “Charlie belch, it’s the only way”; “You have the handwriting of a serial killer.” Or the movie “40 Year Old Virgin”. I can’t stop laughing the entire time even though I should probably be repulsed.

• My coworkers were talking about their mothers and since mine died years ago, I didn’t have much to contribute…….they went on about how their mom’s looked etc. They were saying how tall their mothers were……One said “my mom is 5’6” and the other replied “My mother is 5’9” and I stated “My mother is six feet under”.

• The time at Dans when I put ketchup, mustard, and napkins to go with my corn dog in a bag and the checker looked at it confused and I told her it was just condiments. She said “Oh hon, you don’t have to be embarrassed”

• The time when I worked at Harmon’s and walked out without paying for my drink accidentally….

• The time I had prepared so painstakingly for a monologue to try out for the school play and when I saw everyone from the stage, I ran off crying.

• The time in grade school when I went home just sobbing to my mom saying “Mom, this boy kicked me in the nuts.”

• The time my father stuck a tampon in his nose disgustingly and got a bloody nose.

• My favorite journal entry: I wrote the entire way driving to and from California from Utah, stating the time I would begin to write and end to write (which was like every 3 minutes). I wrote what everyone wore, what they were saying. Every stop, every argument. Sometimes I drew the signs or scenes I was passing. One was particularly funny………I was complaining how my mom had to pee again. Then I wrote how my sister Jen was telling my mother that I was writing down everything in my journal. My mother said (which I wrote in my journal of course)….don’t worry Jen, no one will read her stupid journal anyway. Ha ha ha

WHAT ABOUT YOU? What funny memories do you have or what makes YOU laugh?

Making it a Holly Jolly Christmas!!!!

A friend recently asked me if I was happy, and it led me to much pondering. I really AM happy! Lol. I am so happy, so much happier than I have been in a long time, but isn’t it funny how we over-dramatize and put undue stress on ourselves for really no good reason at all?
Here I’ve been stressing about a Christmas project. I wanted to make some videos for my family. There were going to be two videos. I bought some nice software and began the process of putting all the video footage in my computer and scanning all of my pictures.

I had NO idea how much time this process would take. I had the week of thanksgiving off, and I literally lived in the office that week and have spent hours in there. I have most of the footage in there now, but I’m still scanning pictures. Then I have to learn the software, and I want to take some time to make it special. Anyway I was totally stressing and just in tears that it wouldn’t be done for Christmas. For example, we have 4 parties this week-work and family. But what a silly thing!!!! Is it really that important that it be done by Christmas?

It made me think of the weight issue, and that has really stressed me out as well. I just keep thinking how much we want to get married, and how I keep going up and down with the weight, and how my heart is set on being at a better size. I don’t want to have my bridal dress “special made”, and I don’t want to have to use a tent to make it lol. No but seriously, just want to have lost like 100 from this weight. I could live with being like 250. I went up a little at thanksgiving. And I guess I was so let-down by the meds. Couldn’t handle being dizzy and nauseated all the time. Then on the new pill, I keep forgetting to take it! Also been stressing about money because I don’t have anyone to help me with the wedding and I’m in debt to my eyeballs, so we are looking at 2 years from now.

But again, I had to stop and really think about it. We have such a tendency to see the negative. But really, what an opportunity! I can do this. I started weighing every day, and it makes me more conscious of what I’m eating. I lost 1 ½ pounds from yesterday and that is exciting. Yesterday we did 40 minutes cardio and then 2 weight lifting workouts. I just need to eat good and exercise. Its not rocket science. And I will set the alarms on my phone so that I remember to eat my snacks and take my pills 30 minutes before I eat lunch and dinner. I want to be healthier and feel good about myself.

And I am such a lucky girl. Adam loves me for who I am. He doesn’t pressure me at all. He really helps me, because he loves me and he knows I would be happier being healthy. But I love that he sees who I really am and loves me for me. That means the world to me. He is so supportive and so understanding. And he is a great example to me. For example, he is supposed to do push-ups every day and was going to do them at night, but he kept missing it. So what he does now is does them at work under his desk. So in other words, if something isn’t quite working, tweak it and make it work….on that note, I just set my alarm for snack, for 30 minutes prior to lunch, and for lunchtime.

So much to look forward to! Getting my success and being healthier! Getting married to the man I love, and having babies one day!

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